Instead of Banning Kids' Phones, Let's Teach Them to Drive

We don't need digital chastity pledges. We need digital driver's ed and a path towards digital independence

In the debate about whether we should ban kids from using smartphones and social media until they’re in high school - in order to rescue them from a “screen-based childhood¹” - there’s (at least) one thing we’re not talking about nearly enough: If banning helps protect youth mental health in the short term (still an open question), how will it influence their ability to use tech in healthy and responsible ways in the long term?

To answer that question, we have to look more broadly at the use of bans from a health policy perspective. Banning is an absolutist, all-or-none policy, akin to a chastity pledge or criminalization of drugs. It’s no coincidence that these kinds of policies tend to apply to sex and addictive substances, things we fear because we agree they can be morally or physically dangerous.

What does history teach us about the success of such absolutism in public health? It teaches us that, again and again, bans fail: Nancy Reagan’s Just Say No drug campaign? A public health case study in what not to do. During the AIDS crisis, fear mongering and abstinence demands contributed to more unsafe sex. Remember the pandemic? Telling Americans to wear masks at all times undermined public health officials’ ability to convince them to wear masks when it really mattered.

Banning is not only bad at stopping unwanted behaviors, it fails to do the most important thing – build positive behaviors.  

I’m all for significantly limiting kids’ screen time ( I do for my own kids) because screens so easily create imbalances and opportunity costs for other important aspects of learning, fun, and development. Moreover, among psychologically vulnerable people, too much screen use likely drives unhealthy habits and makes symptoms worse. Yet, the argument for banning smartphones until 16 because that’s when people are “old enough to handle it” is just plain weak. Just look around at adults’ use of smartphones and social media to evaluate whether age grants digital self-control and wisdom.

More to the point, these technologies aren’t “bad for you” in the same way that cigarettes or heroin are bad for you, because: (a) devices, even granting that they are intentionally designed to be used compulsively, are not substances that cross the blood-brain barrier like actual drugs to highjack our neurobiology; and (b) unlike dangerous substances, which we hope our kids will never try, we do expect our kids to learn to use digital technologies because, simply put, they’re not going anywhere. That’s why the drug metaphor breaks down under scrutiny. Digital technology is here to stay and kids need to become responsible users.

So, if we want our kids to actually be capable of using digital technologies responsibly and even beneficially, we need a metaphor that guides us in more helpful ways. How about one that involves another risky technology that we expect young people to eventually master?

Take, for example, driving a car.

Driving a car and using a smartphone have several qualities in common:

• We expect most people will eventually use them, and thus become skilled, capable operators of these machines.

• People aren’t born knowing how to use these technologies. We know that they will require instruction, and we understand that there is a learning curve.

• These technologies carry risks and responsibilities.

• These technologies confer benefits when used responsibly.

Yet, given these similarities, our approach to operating cars versus smartphones couldn’t be more different. Regulation of use is one domain in which they completely diverge:

• Driving: There are clear guidelines and laws around the capacities required to drive (age is an important proxy for those capacities, but so is the ability to see and learn the rules of the road) and how to drive safely and responsibly; versus smartphones: The Child Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) was passed in 1998 in order to restrict minors from accessing harmful or inappropriate online content, but these rules (e.g., age 13 minimum to use social media platforms) are so poorly enforced as to be non-existent. We also don’t provide clear rules or guidelines about how kids are supposed to use these technologies safely.

• Driving: A license is required to drive; versus smartphones: No license required.

So, am I saying everyone should get a license to operate smartphones and social media. Probably not (although I’m tempted to say yes). But why couldn’t we create a proxy of this for youth?

Like learning to drive, our approach to technology in our kids’ lives should be to explicitly teach them skills and set constraints on their technology use. We don’t let 6-year-olds just jump behind the wheel and start driving. We teach them to drive other things, like bikes, and watch and wait as they grow tall enough to see over the steering wheel. Indeed, there are a myriad of skills undergirding the ability to drive that kids must slowly develop - from eye-hand coordination and motor control to just plain patience that will prevent them going from 0 to 100, frustration to road rage. They must also clearly learn what not to do - like driving on the wrong side of the road and running red lights.

Consider these six skills - 3 do’s and 3 don’ts - that should be a core part of any curriculum for digital Driver’s Ed. Teaching these skills - think of them as digital intelligence - steadily over time will allow parents to decide when their offspring are ready to have a license for more digital independence. Parents should also apply these learnings to their own digital lives - because honestly, we’re the ones with the terrible driving records.

1. Don’t phub people. Phubbing is when we snub people we’re interacting with in favor of our phones. It’s become somewhat socially acceptable, although there’s clear pushback starting to happen. The ubiquity of phubbing has cultivated a set of practices and values that prioritize the infinite scroll or some ring-ding push notification over human connection. Developing the self-control through practice and having good role models (parents, this one is one you - no phubbing your family!) is a key building block of digital intelligence.

2. Technoference is like any other rude or annoying behavior - So, don’t do it. Like phubbing people, there are many times we let our smartphones disrupt the rhythms of our day, whether that’s in public forums, when we’re bored, and when we just want something to do with our hands. But allowing these little slot machines in our pockets to take up hours of our day, beyond the time we have to be on screens for work or school, is exacting a serious toll on our quality of life. Research over the past decade has repeatedly shown that by the time we die, most of us will have spent at least half our life time, over 40 years, on screens.

3. Don’t use phones to fill up every moment of quiet and calm. One of the biggest risks of compulsive screen use is its disruption of sleep, especially for youth. That’s something to avoid from the beginning. But when we build the habit of using phones to fill other quiet times of our life, like waking up time, walks outside, or meals, we and our kids are missing out on crucial moments for connecting with others, mind-wandering, deep thought, and finding calm at the end of a hectic day. We use phones as perpetual escape machines, but what we’re actually escaping from are new ideas, open and relaxed thinking, introspection, and community. Thoughtfully create tech-free times and zones and you will remember what it was like before - and want more of it.

4. Do distinguish between active, healthy ways to use tech and junky, passive ways. Some screen time is better than others. A substantial literature over the past decade or two has found that using technology in more active, creative ways to achieve goals and express ideas, rather than passively scrolling and consuming images and information, is associated with more benefits for wellbeing than costs - although the picture is complex, like most things. But really, it comes down to how we think about having a balanced, healthy diet - eat mostly veggies, whole grains, and non-processed foods and keep junk food to a minimum. The same applies to tech and social media. If we can teach kids to make health food choices, then we can teach them to do the same on screens.

5. Do create tech-free zones and opt out of tech disruptions. A necessary first step for building any digital skills is to create tech-free times and zones - dinner, bedtime, quality time with friends, walks in the woods. These are the very places and times in which we recharge and connect, so filling them with screens is a huge opportunity cost. Less obviously, we also need to determinedly block more subtle incursions of tech into our lives. Push notifications and alerts are mostly tools that tech companies use to keep us hooked on screens, priming us to perpetually check apps and go down digital rabbit holes. Turn them off, and teach your children to do the same and explain why. Kids must become citizens of an increasingly digitally mediated world, so help them build the ability to curate their interactions with technology so that human is prioritized over distraction (and tech companies’ sales efforts). Also, actively teach your child to monitor their time on screens. Decide when they can use (e.g., after homework or other activities) and how much time. Then, let them start making their own decisions about when and how they use their allotments. This will build habits that endure.

6. Do understand that that digital communication dehumanizes. Many adults I know still haven’t learned a basic rule - don’t send an angry email or text until you’ve had 30 minutes away from it and still think it’s a good idea. That’s because it’s way too easy to vent over text, and communicating difficult feelings through these media almost always leads to misunderstandings and regret. That’s because, at the heart of it is the fact that when we’re not face-to-face, we’ll say and do things we’d never even consider when we’re with a person. Over digital spaces, other people become faceless, dehumanized, and abstract. It’s easier to be inhumane, rude, unempathetic, and extreme on a device. Teach your kids to do better.

These ideas are not new. They are key takeaways from work that’s been going on for a while now. The U.S. Surgeon General’s Office has an excellent advisory on the topic. The knowledge, ideas, even curricula are already out there and being developed. There are organizations working towards the goal of building digital citizenship among our kids, and some of these programs are already offered in schools and homes. What’s blocking them from helping? We have to make these steps a culture-wide set of practices. Parents need to be 100% on board, and public norms need to shift so that we’re embarrassed to be on screens in public, we would never dream of taking out a phone at a meal, or in the middle of a presentation, or, God forbid, in the middle of a conversation. There’s a lot of work to be done, and the first step is reconsidering whether banning the phones is the best and only way to go.

1. By the way, I don’t think my argument should apply to banning smartphones in school. There is no reason for kids to have them during the school day when they need to be focused on class and time with peers. It’s like being ok with sending kids to school with an Xbox or Nintendo. Moreover, parents do NOT need to be in touch with their kids during the school day. They can call the school’s main office if they need to communicate emergency information. Just like the old days.